about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
