Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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