Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
