Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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