I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize