How has he not realized you're pregnant?
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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