my mouth tastes like poor choices
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She needs sedatives and a leash
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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