I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
