Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why do cheetos always look like penises
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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