At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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