My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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