I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
