you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
