Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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