i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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