Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
