I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
