I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
