I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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