ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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