I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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