I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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