I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
