There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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