Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
