Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
