So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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