My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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