I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
