So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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