Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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