I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
