somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize