So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You are the jesus of drinking
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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