did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
