im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
