He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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