These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
