I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
