Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
