FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
