god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
