the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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