a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
