Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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