I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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