shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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