maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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