ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
