I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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