I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
