Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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