I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
