Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
