I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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