I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So apparently I’m into choking now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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