I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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