I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just want to make out with him forever
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
