My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
