My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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