Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
