I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
